Since April 1st of 2008, I have been trying to figure out what God is trying to teach me. To make a very, very long story somewhat short, I had just come through my fourth surgery in two years on top of dealing with severe anemia and living with constant pain for a great deal of those two years. Since April 1st, that pain has continued and I have been through numerous tests and medicines, trying to keep from having yet another surgery and sending myself into early, surgically induced menopause at just a little short of 46 years old. I wound up taking pain killers constantly before relenting and having the surgery. It was a good decision, not only because I wound up feeling better, but because I think I FINALLY got it! I think I finally know what God has been trying to teach me. It’s something I “know” and something I’ve been trying to get myself to do for a long time, but now I GET IT!
What have I finally gotten? Don’t worry!!!! God has you in the palm of his hand and worrying will NOT help. Trust God!
My brother signs all of his emails with “Trust God.” I see it and I know it. I grew up with a mother who did nothing but worry; she still worries to excess. She got it honest, as we say in the South. Her mother, my maternal grandmother, was diagnosed a paranoid scezophrenic when I was very young. She would sit for hours in her bedroom, praying, wearing the pages of her Bible thin to the point of holes by rubbing them in the hopes that her sins would not take her to hell. She was convinced that she was not good enough to get into heaven. She was taught that Jesus died for her sins and she “knew” it and professed it with all her heart, but because of her illness she didn’t “believe” it. I wound up in the end actually being scared of her, scared that she might hurt herself or my mother or brother, who she lived with at the time. Upon her death (she literally starved herself to death in a nursing home), I published this poem in our church bulletin and have sent it many times since to those who are grieving the loss of loved ones:
THE ROSE BEYOND THE WALL
A rose once grew where all could see,
Sheltered beside a garden wall.
And as the days passed swiftly by,
It spread its branches swift and tall…
One day a beam of light shone through…
A crevice that had opened wide.
The rose bent gently towards its warmth,
Then passed beyond to the other side…
Now you who deeply feel its loss,
Be comforted, the rose blooms there,
Its beauty even greater now,
Nurtured by God’s own loving care.
The point is, albeit because of her illness, my grandmother didn’t GET it. My Mom knows it, but I’m not sure she even GETS it. She can’t let go of worry. I have learned, not in my wisdom, but in God’s infinite wisdom and in his time, that he has me in the palm of his hand.
I finally GOT it last week. I won’t go into details, but a friend of mine and I had a…how shall I say it? A disagreement, a misunderstanding, a falling out? I was upset and anxious about it, but very quickly, a miracle happened. I let it go. God has things in store for both my friend and I, and somewhere down the road we will see each other and it will be ok. God is teaching us and others lessons through us. I am so happy to be a tool in his hand; it doesn’t matter that I don’t know the reason or the outcome. I have joy and comfort in knowing that I am being used by him and that he is teaching me and actually getting through to me. I feel the miracle. I’ve had other miracles in my life that were much more obvious and seemed bigger (see “A Sister’s Story” – an older blog story), but somehow this one is something I want to shout about! I want to sing it from the rooftops; God knows what he is doing, believe it, know it, trust it, it’s true, true, true!
I have been disappointed many times in my life by man; but that’s my fault because I didn’t put my trust in God. Now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has my back at all times and it will be ok. That’s not to say that I won’t make mistakes, but those mistakes will probably happen because I don’t listen before I act. I don’t know everything, but I do know this: I am blessed, I have learned the lesson of a lifetime in my heart, and I am happy and content beyond belief!