So many thoughts. So hard to turn my brain off. So hard to take it all in. Wanting answers now but having to wait for another test and results and another doctor to see. On Wednesday I saw my gyn who ordered all the tests I’ve had and thought maybe I would get more details of this thing I have in my body now. Not really. He did explain a few things about how they get the staging results, etc., but no answers.
Until last night, I hadn’t really cried or been too upset. More anxious and nervous and wanting answers. Last night, I went to bed at 8 a.m. I slept soundly, and woke up at what I thought was about 3 a.m., but when I looked at the clock it was 12:37 a.m. Oh my…and I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. Sheesh. OK, so let’s see, what to do? I got up and finished some small packing that I needed to do for the weekend in SC. Still not sleepy. So let’s check FB. I see a post from my cousin Shelly Traynum. She had posted a song, “Be Still My Soul” by a singer named Selah.
I clicked on it and almost immediately started tearing up. Not because I was upset about my cancer or what I might have to deal with, but because I know how much God loves me, so imperfect, so flawed, yet so, so loved. It made me want to hear something I hadn’t heard in awhile, an old hymn from growing up that is still my favorite today. I can hear my Mama Nan singing it now, while I sat quietly beside her in church chewing the Juicy Fruit gum that she always had for me. The smell of it reminds me of her ’til this day. The tears really flowed then, again because I am His, He has me under His wing, and whatever happens, He will never leave nor forsake me.
Take a moment, close your eyes…and thank God that we have the blessed assurance that Jesus is ours!
I have learned to claim my blessings, as God instructs us to in Matthew 7:7 — “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you,” and in Hebrews 4:16 — “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” And in so many other places in the Bible. My tears fell on the pillow and I boldly claimed good news for today and strength to get through whatever is ahead with grace and my head held high. No pity party here. Not going to happen people. I have too many people praying for me, too many things still left to do in my life, and this will be a bump in the road. Maybe a bigger bump than I want, but I will conquer it with my God’s love and grace.